Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Slippery When Born

Yes, it has been some time.
For the past three weeks, I have been on my obstetrics rotation, which means I have been seeing lots of 7 pound humans coming out of lots of 10 centimeter holes. Tomorrow being the last day I have in this rotation, I thought I could soend some time reflecting on what I have seen and learned this month.

1. We all start off slippery
I don't think i have ever held anything more slippery than a brand new human being. Last Monday, I had the distinct honor of actually catching a baby (Sidebar: We say "catch" now instead of "deliver," which I think is a change for the better because when that baby comes shooting out of its mom, you just have to grab it an hold on tight). I could write pages about that experience, but suffice it to say that it was once of the coolest and scariest things I have ever been a part of. I am not sure of there is anywhere in nature or made by man a more slippery substance than that stuff that covers babies when they are born. It makes sense: you want the watermelon well-lubed before you send it down the pipes. If small town fairs wanted to have real entertainment, they would skip the greased pig contest, and instead oil up some babies and start tossing them back and forth, like a water balloon contest.

2. Wear Disposable Shoes
Birth is a beautiful thing. Birth is also one of the bloodiest, gunkiest, poopiest, water-shooting-out-of-orifices-est things that happens. No, I will go ahead and say it is THE bloodiest, gunkiest, poopiest, water-shooting-out-of-orifices-est thing that happens on this planet. Since each birth is different, you never know just what is going to come flying out, or just what is going to land on the floor. So, always put on the prtective gown and mask, always cover your shoes with the throw-away booties, and never wear a apair of shoes you wouldn't be willing to throw away in case you don't have time to put the dispoable booties on over your shoes.

3. Placenta is Gross
Ys it is responsible for noursishing the baby for its 9 months in the womb, but once that thing has served its purpose, it is nothing but a big old nast bloody mess that no woman needs to witness being expelled from her body. Ew.

4. No Matter How Mature You Think You Are...
It is still weird to be within 6 inches of someone else's vagina when you only met them 10 minutes ago.

5. Moms Rule
Anyone who gives birth is my hero. I don't think there is a grown man alive who would endure what every mother has gone through to birth her children. They just couldn't handle it. I have been shocked and awed time and time again at the strength that women have, and their amazing ability to love the little crying creature that just caused them hours of agonizing pain.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I think that it is interesting that there were comments about the chocolate martini and personality testing but none about birthing!

I, too, am in complete awe of woman who give birth. I have always said that women are the stronger sex because of their ability to bring new life into the world (and work for nine months on that project without a break.) I must admit that even though I have that capability, I was to chicken to explore that option. After reading your blog, I'm convinced that I made the right decision!

Thanks for your humor and taking the time to share your experiences with us.

From Texas